The Lovers' Gift Guide

for those that love people, love things, and love gift giving

I need to let you in on a secret. A few weeks ago, I provided suggestions for

rayne fisher-quann

‘s gift guide, a fantastic compilation of delights and wonders from some of the internet’s finest. And I gave these suggestions with a fullness in my heart! But I must admit! I knew that I was going to save my best recommendations for you all. Because I love you. And I stand by everything I said in last year’s guide, but I’d like to believe there’s someone out there that took all those suggestions and needs yet more this year, waiting with bated breath, staring at their inbox like a forlorn mid-century teenager staring at the rotary phone. Be warned—these are genius gift ideas, which means they are powerful gift ideas. Use them to secure love. Or power.

Of course, there is no gift more sought-after or exclusive than an evil female subscription for the one you love! But you already knew that. And so, without further ado or digression, welcome to the evil female gift guide, 2023.

(American Fruit Pride… wig)

A Fruit-Of-The-Month (or anything of-the-month) Club Subscription (variable)

I don’t know if anyone in this world remembers the days of catalogues, but I loved pouring over anything that came on glossy pages with big, beautiful pictures. As a child, due to a malady I can only describe as “Early Onset Niles Crane Syndrome,” I dreamed of having a fruit of the month club subscription. And one day, as I stopped by the Skidmore College post office to pick up an unexpected package, that dream became a reality. It was everything I wanted, and more. As a gift, this not only provides variety and surprise but longevity—something that will continue to delight month after month. Fructose intolerant? Go for whisky, soap, a Patreon subscription, and so forth.

An Actual Mix CD (less than $5)

I know some of my subscribers are younger than I am, and may believe it is unfathomable that you can make a mixtape all by yourself, but you can! A brief crash course: visit your nearest Staples and pick up a pack of blank CD-ROMS. Open up iTunes on your computer, and make a new playlist filled with songs. You should legally download these songs, and you “should” “not” Google “Youtube to MP3,” inserting links to Youtube videos with high-quality uploads of the songs you’d like to add. If you don’t have a computer with a CD port, you can go to your local library—chances are, the old desktops have them. Then all that’s left to do is burn the CD and decorate the case with stickers or photos or love notes. If you really want to go all out, record your own voice introducing the tracks. Before making your mixtape, ensure the recipient has a way to listen to it; the best place to play a mixtape is in an old Honda Accord or Subaru Outback.

A Really Nice Umbrella ($30+)

Look. I’m not phoning it in here! I’m on a mission to give you actual, very good, quasi-unique gift ideas and not just vomit up whatever’s cutest at the local shoppy-shop! And I think a very nice umbrella is an absolutely genius gift which suits almost anyone. Even you’re living in the Atacama Desert, you can swap “umbrella” for “parasol!” The perfect umbrella for your recipient might be the perfect gift: it is incredibly practical, something few people would think to splurge on for themselves, and endlessly customizable. If you’re looking to buy new, I love this umbrella from Duckhead with a gorgeous watercolor design and made from wood and recycled plastic. If you want to go the vintage route, “vintage umbrella” is a very easy eBay or Etsy search that will return your results at a variety of price points. I love this very mod, earth tone umbrella ($45) and this Italian, rabbit’s head umbrella ($125). Plus, what’s more romantic than someone thinking of you whenever it rains?